Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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