I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
