I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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