The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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