i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My dick has a subreddit
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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