How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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