sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
