Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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