I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
