my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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