im drinking this country out of the recession.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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