I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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