Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
