i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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