I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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