dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I checked into jail on foursquare
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
