I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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