it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
