I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
