Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
