If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
