I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
