I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Panties = found
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