Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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