He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
