I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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