Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
