It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
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The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
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DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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