Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
