is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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