I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Rumble strips road head = magical
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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