and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
