I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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