I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
