Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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