Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
