Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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