I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
