I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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