You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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