You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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