i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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