She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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