She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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