With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize