i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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