I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
