My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
