he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
