I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
