Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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