I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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