I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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