Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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