Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
