I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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