i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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