I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I stole a fireplace last night.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
